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archive 01 rinrin

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon. alpha log 06
what's that supposed to mean?
does that make it any less hurtful for the spouse?
does that make it any less hurtful for the guy?
does that make it any less hurtful for her?
I don't get it, and I don't want to ever

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon. alpha log 05
last night I was doing a personality check thing,
and the temperament reading was striking. -v-;;
"Generally you will wait to express your feelings until you are comfortable. However this plan will fail if you are presented with a situation where you feel overwhelmed. At these times it becomes more difficult to keep your feelings inside. Your emotions will rise to the surface and you will feel the pressing need to express them. Once this has happened (and again, it can be positive or negative) you will return to your regular sense of emotional balance."
XDDD This describes exactly what happened
and even this blog reflects it.
when I'm writing this, I'm fairly emotinally grounded,
but the blank period when I didn't reflects
the time when I just sort of exploded,
figuratively speaking, that is.
something co-worker (k) said today was painful...
she's married, and is seeing this other guy
but she laughed it off saying it's just
a fling, and it's not serious.

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon. alpha log 04
hmm...and you guys're right.
I thought these co-workers wouldn't be so...dunno.
but today, after lunch, the one time he passed by,
and both my co-worker (k) and I saw him,
my co-worker started coughing.
it was nearing closing time, and I was in charge
tonight of throwing away the pastries, so
I was studying the display case and
debating how I can minimize my job
and didn't realize that I was facing the direction
from which he'd be coming from.
so I was a bit startled when I met his eyes
through the display case and so was he.
I had a few seconds to take note
that he looked away just as I returned my attention
to the pastries, but looked my way...
then my co-worker started coughing behind me....
you guys're right. maybe I shouldn't have told them.
they're embarrassing... -v-;;

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon. alpha log 03
and then...while I was still eating,
he comes back again! and that's so weird.
what errand on earth would require him
or any other worker for that matter, to go outside???
I was puzzled but I finished eating,
so I didn't wait around to see
if he came back or not, and started on emile;
which task I quickly became completely involved in
so I didn't realize that a co-worker passed
in front of me until she sat down next to me.
we chatted for a bit, then she had to go
b/c it was her 15min. break. me, I still had time,
but had to run to the bathroom, so even though
I intended to go in the last 5min of my lunchbreak,
I got up and headed to the bathroom....
and rounding a corner bumped into him.
for the life of me, I didn't know what face to make.
I have to keep on repeating to myself,
it's all coincidence, and it's all in my head.

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon. alpha log 02
I mean, he was in uniform...
so I'm wondering what brings him out there.
but I try to put it out of my mind
and was just eating and not thinking anything,
when I see him going back the other way.
... I was in middle of eating, but
again, I just froze, staring, puzzled.
my mind stopped working too, until
he glanced this way, and I realized
that I was staring with my lunchbox in my lefthand
and my chopsticks hanging midair. XDDD
then I spent the next few minutes wondering
if he could've seen me. I mean admittedly
he was walking on the pavement right under
the window, and not across the car path...
but the one time I've tried looking
into the store from across the car path,
I couldn't see a thing inside...
but then again, I'm batblind without my glasses...

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon. alpha log 01
I was so busy lamenting that it was boring...
so I don't remember seeing him too much. lunch break.......mine......
I eat at a semi-hidden non-smoking corner
facing a river that runs by the store.
it's nice view and it's mostly other
likely minded female employees who eat there
so it's peaceful and I like it.
anyway, between the river and the store,
there's a path for cars, and by the river
there's a semi-broad sidewalk that I like
to hang around when it's warm.
well...I was getting out my lunch and stuff
when I catch sight of someone walking by
the window outside.
I look, and I did a doubletake looking.
it was him!
I think I froze for a second or so staring.
then started eating, puzzled.

          date: Feb.03, '03 Mon.
mg...the most boring and tiring day ever.
it's so much more wearisome when it's slow.
and then one co-worker couldn't come today,
so I was basically alone for half the day,
and didn't go to lunch utnil 4pm. -v-;;
tried working on emile's design sheet...
and I can't get the body right...!!!
so...all I got is the face done...
still debating on accessories...

          date: Feb.02, '03 Sun. alpha
just for the record...
saw him passing by while talking to a co-worker
who knows about my crush,
which I completely forgot about.
so when I saw him and she nudged me,
I was like, huh?
so I guess some people do remember.
then later, when I was talking with (e)
caught sight of him coming back from
his break, probably. he looked a bit surprised
at seeing me still there but couldn't careless.
I hung around the shopping mall for close to
three hours so I can talk with (e)
during her breaks.
friends are dearer to me than anything else.
and I hope that I don't change ever
from feeling that way.

          date: Feb.02, '03 Sun.
Day off today. Did my laundry, then walked
to my workplace to see off co-worker (e).
I hate parting with people.
I think I changed after I lost my friend last year.
I've become more reckless about relationships,
and in a way, become even more selfish.
I don't want to hurt the way I'm still hurting
from losing someone dear to me.
The pain still hasn't gone away and
I don't know where it should or can go.
And because of this pain, I'm more sensitive
and careless of other people's feeling.
oxymoronic but that's the way I feel.
my mother dislikes most of her co-workers,
but me, I like most of mine.
They're all dear to me, and it makes it
harder to look for the job I should be looking for.
I don't want to leave them. I hate changes.
I like my workplace even though I know
I shouldn't be there.

          date: Feb.01, '03 Sat. alpha log 05
so, that was that.
I can't remember if it was after that or before,
but I was seeing him getting ready to leave,
and... saw his jacket, and so....
I know it was him. he came by on Tue.
of course, it could be coincidence
that he came by the bakery.
after all, half the customers at the store's
employees anyway, I sometimes think.
and I'll keep on telling myself that
it's a coincidence.
I guess it...these things are coincidences.
I don't know if it's more enjoyable imagining
myself in unrequited love situation or
starcrossed lover situation.
but it's all in the head.
easier to keep things in perspective writing them down
and sounding them off to other people. XD

          date: Feb.01, '03 Sat. alpha log 04
so, I was hanging around, waiting for my mom,
he comes to punch his time card.
and...okay, culture exp. before going on.
we say "otsukaresamadesu" as sort of greeting
at the end of the day, or just when you meet
another co-worker when you're leaving
or see someone else leaving.
for other non-jpns co-workers we just say
"bye" or "good night."
so anyway, I just stood waiting,
debating on saying it or not.
and since I was on my guard, I didn't blush. :P
although I may have looked a little angry. XD
I always am a bit angry when I see him
because for one thing, he's married, and secondly,
angry at myself for having a crush on a married guy.
but anyway, he said it first...or rather,
mumbled it first, so I mumbled it back,
just stared at him while he punched his time card
(well his back's to me, so I can stare if I want to)
but of course I was looking elsewhere
long before he turned around.

          date: Feb.01, '03 Sat. alpha log 03
turns out, that's where they cook fish and stuff.
so...I guess if I desperately wanted to talk to him,
I can always go on the pretext of going
to the bathroom when I see him going there. @_@;
not that I intend to.
the employee restroom's disgusting. XP
I'll continue to use the regular restroom, thank you.
even though it's not that much better.
but at least it doesn't smell as much.
oh, and going with the adventure analogy,
I was going to end that with saying
my reward was seeing him going that way
on my way back. XD
and for the finale of the day...
I was looking forward to Saturday
because I know he stays until the end too.
on week days, he goes home earlier
than I usually do.
and also, my mom ends 15min later than I do,
so I get to hang around the time card area.

          date: Feb.01, '03 Sat. alpha log 02
so...that was that, had a nice lunch with my co-worker
told her what happened yesterday (beetred incident XD).
argh... my thoughts're all jumbled up.
that's what happens when I think about him. ._.;
whenever he passed by today and I noticed,
I'd start fumbling up. T_T
... ;-;
so anyway, I had an adventure going to the bathroom today.
I've never gone to the employee restroom
because that's in the direction where the kitchen is
that he has to go. I didn't really realize it
until today. the backstore section's like a maze cavern. @_@;
coming back, I feel this heat from the right wall.
felt like I was in some kind of rpg dungeon
or sidescrolling adventure thing. XD

          date: Feb.01, '03 Sat. alpha log 01
well, so... a moment of silence for the deaths of today...
so anyway.
I e-mailed you guys before writing this and...
actually, you're right. this obsession is a little scary.
I'm constantly scanning the store when I'm working. @_@;;
this morning, when I ran after the customers,
I came across him, and was embarrassed happy.
<< how pathetic. -v-;
then for lunch, I went to eat with a co-worker
from the cafe restaurant next to the bakery,
and she was getting lunch from the place he works at,
so I went with her... because otherwise,
I would not approach the place when he's there.
So... I saw him, he saw me,
and I think he was a bit surprised.
But I tried to refrain from ogling...
even if I didn't quite succeed. XD

          date: Feb.01, '03 Sat.
Happy New Year~
we didn't have that many customers today.
people must've gone celebrating.
but there's always bound to be one or
two or few bad customers, darn it.
not that I came across one, thank goodness.
me, forgot to give a bread to the customer,
ran out but couldn't find them...
but I told other co-workers about it,
and gave descriptions of the customers,
and some time later, co-worker (e) points them out
going out the exit, so I ran after them
and caught 'em. good eyesight.
I like her so I gave her a pale pink woolen scarf
I knitted long time ago and never wore.
not my color. fits her beautifully though.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 11
after that, I was given the excuse of helping out in the kitchen,
so I leap at that and go in, because
I couldn't stand seeing him. if that makes sense.
so I'm in the kitchen, but I get called back
several times because there're lots of customers.
and I don't know if it's the timing, but each time,
I see him passing by. grrr.
his supervisor came by too, to get a cup of coffee
which annoyed me, even though I know he's blameless.
then there was this customer that
I've always wanted to talk to because I thought
he was French. So I start talking to him in French,
and while I'm talking, I see him walking by,
and the thought passes my head...
why can't I talk easily and friendly like this with him?
well...I'll see what tomorrow brings....

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 10
and she suggests that along with a helpful advice
that I can go talk with him now since
he's still having his break
and sitting at the cafeteria area
where he usually doesn't. at least, as far as I know.
then she adds,
"in fact, he's sitting where he can be seen from here."
I look in the direction, I look away,
and tell her I'm batblind without my glasses.
thank goodness for that or else I'd have been
even more embarrassed.
after that, she says, "oh, he's leaving,"
so I know he's gone back to work, and
I'm half hoping he's coming by, and half hoping not.
and he comes by, and for the life of me,
I don't know if I were more upset or happy.
I mean darnit. if he's intentionally coming by,
I'd kill him. he's married, for goodness' sake!

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 09
but so anyway....he tells me what he wants,
I get it, turns around, and sees (e) talking with (s),
so I just called her pleadingly so she'll
take care of the money end, and I don't have to do everything
because for the life of me, I could not.
it was all I could do to stuff the bag, dammit.
embarrassing as hell remembering now.
but anyway, he left, thank goodness, and I just
crumpled to the ground, behind the cash register.
it took me a couple of seconds to recover myself.
...or more actually... but I was beetred. seriously.
I looked in the mirror because we have one
right there. one of the walls is a mirror, in fact.
"damn, I'm obvious," I said, and (e) tells me,
"yeah, you are." thank you.
I didn't need to know that, darnit.
so...I'm taking my time recovering my face color...
and (s) comes back, so I'm like,
"did you have to do that?" and she laughs,
and suggests I go take my break.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 08
I don't know what I was thinking but I think
I hoped that he might come to the bakery
but thinking that he's going to pass by.
auuu... but he did come.
I was still thinking, it's okay,
co-worker (s) is nearer to the showcase
and I'm behind her so I don't have to deal with him.
didn't count on her suddenly turning around
and saying it's time for her break!
I was startled beyond anything, and I looked at my watch,
meanwhile she's already getting ready to leave,
and he's not going anywhere, and (e)'s not
making any move towards him......
so I had to go!!! I....................
I hope I said "irasshaimase" which is what I'm supposed to say...
now I'm not sure what the heck I said!
and I could feel my face getting redder by the second!

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 07
today, I was telling another co-worker....
I think I've told just about everyone about it...
but so anyway, was telling her about it,
how I know it can't get anywhere, but
I still get depressed when I don't see him.
and I think she's the only one whom I told that
I think he's looking at me too.
but she (s) knew about my crush,
and the other co-worker (e) there today knew about it too
since she was the first one I talked to.
so anyway, there was a lull and we were talking.
and as we were talking, co-worker (e) suddenly
gives an exclamation and so did the other one.
I was startled, and I'm like "what happened?!"
and I see him without his uniform
walking in front of the bakery. so I'm like "oh,"
because I thought something happened,
the way they were both exclaiming.
but even though I was trying to maintain calm
on the surface, my mind was completely not working.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 06
none of the supervisors was available so I was
sort of waiting around when a customer
came by for assistance, and seeing my uniform
laughingly said that she knows I'm not one of the supervisors
so I was laughing along and starting to point out
where one of them was bagging at register,
when I hear someone behind me and it was him.
(grammatically, that's "it was he.")
and this Tue., I told another co-worker about my crush,
and she says she's seen his wife
and that the wife's prettty. that's what my mom said.
darn it. I want to see too.
then maybe I can really give it up.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 05
and my feelings got the better of me...
I wanted to see him one more time
so on the excuse that I got there a little early
I decided to go in by the employee entrance;
I see the door starting to open
and I just half hope that maybe it's him
bc I know that sometimes he takes the garbage outside.
and it was him! ...a thought just suddenly
came to me....could he have thought I was waiting there...? ;;;
I hope not. I mean that was coincidence
even if I was hoping for it.
so anyway, I just slip past with a mumbled 'hi'
which he returns in kind, and that was that for yesterday.
getting flashbacks...last Sat., was waiting for my mom
after work, and as we were leaving he came by...
and yesterday....??? can't remember...met him when
I went to exchange money for the cash register.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 04
I was completely not thinking anything, but then
on Tue.... close to the end of the day,
I was doing some stuff, I look up,
and I see someone like him passing by.
I thought I was starting to see things
I'm that obsessed...
so I'm looking and wondering...
and conclude that it couldn't be, and laughing at myself.
then I see the person exiting the cashier
and then coming back to talk with an employee.
so...I'm still wondering if it weren't him,
because it seems like he talks with that employee
fairly often.
then yesterday...I had morning shift, so I left early.
came back to pick up my mom...
and I was debating on waiting in the car
or going inside to wait............

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 03
and after her lunchbreak was over,
I went to buy some stuff near the store entrance
and while I was waiting, he passes right by.
I sort of stepped aside but didn't say anything...
then later, I was still waiting to get the item,
he comes back and starts talking with
store people there...maybe he had to,
but darn it, he didn't have to!
and then, when I was in line for cashier,
he walks by the next lane and getting
caught by his manager so I see them there talking...
and who ever said I wasn't obsessed anymore...?
and then the other day...last Sunday I think...
bakery people're usually the last to leave
and I knew that he was still working too...
but I was saying 'bye' to a co-worker and
I guess basically yelling out my schedule
because she didn't get why I was saying
see you on Thu. I was telling her I was off on
Mon. and Wed., and she's off on Tue.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha log 02
so anyway...I had days off from 16th to the 20th.
so total of 5 days...and I knew he had days off
on 21th and 22nd, so total of 7days...
of not seeing him. of course, I couldn't stand that.
so on the pretext of buying cakes,
(which I did have to get for a friend)
I went to the store on Sat., met a co-worker there
who was on lunch break so I sat with her
while she was eating. she was the 2nd person
I told about my crush, and I like her.
but while talking with her, my eyes'd just keep on
drifting towards the store where he
usually walks by...and I think she noticed,
even though she didn't mention it.
and...what really sucks is that I kept tab
when he walked by, and even without my glasses,
I could tell that he noticed me too...
it's just that awareness when you know that
the other person notices you too.

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri. alpha 01
and who was it that said anything about resolutions?
been telling anyone who'd listen about my crush...
because I've got to get over it and
have to get it out of the system, darn it.
ever since asking him straight out
if he's married, he's been avoiding me...
at least, that's what I felt.
that was fine...intellectually.
emotionally, that's a different problem.
I'd be irritated, annoyed, and/or upset
if I didn't see him...
but at least I wasn't obsessed as before.
besides, I thought he got the idea that
I'm interested in him and that's a bad idea.
after all, he's married, for goodness' sake.
so it would've been a good thing
if he kept on avoiding me....
because I...can't........gah.
why do I like him so much...?
intellectually, I even know that it's only a crush
and nothing deeply involved...!

          date: Jan.31, '03 Fri.'s been weeks since I stopped writing this.
was rereading and decided it's fun to read
so starting to write again.
nothing interesting today at work.

          date: Jan.04, '03 Sat. alpha
was holding the bathroom door open with my foot
because didn't want to touch the door handle.
also, was adjusting my shawl and stuff.
read to go out, look up, and he's passing by
told about it to my co-worker and she's like
"You're in love."
told about it to a friend on phone and she said;
"You're too obsessed.
"You giggle everytime you talk about him."
then something my mom said today about him.
"He doesn't speak unless spoken to."
which means, we'll never talk then.
so I'm weird.

          date: Jan.04, '03 Sat.
whee~ had to archive the previous blogs
because the file became too large for notepad.
my legs got worn out.
a customer won't or can't say the name
of pastries she wants, so she points.
and they're all on the bottom row, so
had to bend down and up each time she pointed.
then today, completely forgot that the store closed
at 9pm, and was getting all ready to clean up
when a co-worker pointed out that we open
an hour later than usual.