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archive 01 02 rinrin

date: Feb.10, '03 Mon. alpha log 03

Finally, the last time I saw him today was
when I was already in a bad mood.
It was 8pm when the store closes, and
that's when my battle begins against overtime. XPPP
And he just has to pass by all dressed
to go home.
Admittedly, I've always wondered what time
he went home, but I did not need to know today
of all days when I was irritated about time thing
and was walking home in the snow.
I was so mad cleaning up today. -_-;;
But I guess it's sort of like a
farewell until Thu. since he's not working
tomorrow or the day after.
...My imagination's running wild. XDDD

date: Feb.10, '03 Mon. alpha log 02

I was getting ready to go to my last break,
and was crouching down to get my stuff
when (k) starts clearing her throat/coughing.
I have my own sensor/alarm now without me
looking about. XDDD
Then I went to break. I nap a little, then
go to punch the time card. On my way, there's
this little girl leaning over the cafeteria
partition, so I grin at her (come to think of it,
is that weird to do? but those kids're so cute!);
then I turn my head straight and get a little
surprise. He was sitting a couple of seats over.
At least..he wasn't seated facing this way,
thank goodness. So anyway, I get back to work,
and almost immediately see him passing by. ._.;;
...
(k) today; "Why's this guy around so much!?"
I think she's getting tired of clearing her
throat/coughing each time he passes by. XD
I don't think it's that he's around a lot
as much as all these employees're around a lot
and because of me, we're singling him out.

date: Feb.10, '03 Mon. alpha log 01

If I list every single instance of seeing him today,
I'll probably have to archive another page. XP
But... I really do think I'm hopeless atm. -v-;
I was irritated in the morning, then became
all sunny and smiling once he passed by.
...
Before going to lunch, I stopped by the cafe
to chat a little with (k), and she spots him
sitting at the cafeteria area. I'm wondering.
Is it that I never noticed him sitting there
before? or has he started sitting there now?
If it's the former, then I wish (k) never
noticed him sitting there. @_@;;
And he's looking!!! auuu.....why? >x<
Well, I have to admit I didn't have to look
either, but still.... I wasn't staring!
haaaaaa....
And today...it seemed like he was on breaks
at the same time as mine.........

date: Feb.10, '03 Mon.

I got called up to the office by the manager
and got lectured about overtime... -_-;;;
It's not like I'm doing it just because.
I'm doing it because I can't get the darn
cleaning done within 15min by myself!
It's impossible! Let him try doing it!
Other people got called up too, but
what the heck do they expect? The bakery's
short of a lot of people, for goodness' sake!
And we're not going to work for nothing
just because they don't want to pay us!
...
A coworker in the kitchen whom I talked with
often and liked is going back to her country
tomorrow... so sad. ;-;

date: Feb.09, '03 Sun. alpha

And of course, when I went to pick up my mom,
saw him. ._.;;
I was looking for my mom, found her,
stopped nearby to let her know I came,
and who comes by but him.
I hate how my attention instantly snaps to him.
Why does he have to look at me?
For that matter, why do I have to look at him?
And why, for goodness' sake, can't my mom
leave well alone but have to mention something
about him when she's talked with him or whatever?
I haven't completely gotten over it, dammit.
And stupid me for feeling happy to know
another little thing about him. ._.;;
I desperately need another distraction at work...
I've enough when I'm at home and online,
but at work, there's virtually nothing,
especially since I'm working on the weekdays
when there's almost no business.
I guess it's a good thing he has his two
day offs on the weekend so I don't see him
as often as before.

date: Feb.09, '03 Sun.

Another day off~
I'm working like a normal person right now,
what with the schedule. XDDDD
Slept half the day and surfed the 'net
for rest of the day. J*mp has stuff right
now that I like.. @_@;;
I like hikago, mankin, nar@to, tenipri, and onepi.
Too bad I can't afford to collect all the
manga volumes as much as I'd love to. *o*
N@ruto especially is good. I totally recommend it.
Although... I guess I'm into all these
because I've completely turned into a y@oi fan. -v-;;
All your fault, rinrin. XP
...
Then I walked to go pick up my mom.
We can't move the car because of the snow... -v-;;
While I was there, I went to the shopping mall
nearby, and picked up ginger ale, so
I had the added weight to carry on our way back. XP
Good exercise, I guess. gak.

date: Feb.08, '03 Sat. alpha log 02

If he were available, then yes, I'd say start out
as friends then see what happens. Since he's not,
I just wish there was someone else more attractive.
And why does it seem like I attract guys
who won't say anything? who seem to be waiting
for me to speak first? I want to be swept off
my feet, dammit. Not the other way around.
*sigh*
Times like these, I miss e***...
Maybe I'm just lonely...
but I don't have to be attracted to a
maried guy, for goodness' sake. -_-;;

date: Feb.08, '03 Sat. alpha log 01

My thoughts're going in circles.
Do I like him? Yes, no, maybe.
Do I dislike him? Yes, no, maybe.
Why does it seem like he's looking at me?
Am I being overly self-conscious?
Is he looking at me because I'm looking at him?
or vice versa?
The infatuation's wearing off, but
do I really want it to end?
It's boring when there's nothing.
And...if he is looking at me, and it seems
as if he wants to be noticed... why?
so we can become friends? But if I had
any intention of befriending him, it would've
happened way long before. Can't he just
give it up? But then again, can't I just give it up?
I'm so tired of trying to figure it all out.
And I don't like befriending guys who seem
interested in me. It...just doesn't work out for me.
Neither do I want to merely befriend someone
I'm interested in.

date: Feb.08, '03 Sat.

Day off. Slept away most of the day
except for when surfing the 'net.
I need to go out tomorrow though. Bleh.
I want to sleep in tomorrow too...

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 07

I was checking on the log numbers, and remembered
something... I'm not in the I-hate-guys phase
exactly (unless I'm always in it to a degree)
but I really don't like the new coworker dammit.
I think he likes me, and hanging around like
a puppy, just not cute at all. -_-;;;
I don't like anyone getting within my personal
space..and the guy was continuously invading
it today... and sadly, the only thing I'm
wondering is... I know he passed by
when the new guy was within my personal space...
Did he notice? Did he feel jealous at all?
...
How sad...

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 06

But of course, I'm so aware of him, and when he
got up to leave, I immediately notice.
Around that time, (k) came back, so I get
back to the bakery........... and it felt like
it was almost immediately that he passed by.
After that... Nothing much to note...
except... seeing how long I go on and on,
when I'm trying to be concise, I understand
why sheep doesn't want me to call her every
night just because I want to talk about him. XD
...
Debating on going to the store tomorrow or not...
It's my day off, but I completely forgot to
bring home some paperwork that I forgot
yesterday too... -v-;; And I just shoved it
in a corner where we put our stuff...
But I know I'm going there on Sunday too,
if only for a bit, so I'm debating.. I mean
I've the weekend off, and I'm going there
both days... But then again I can't lose the
paperwork...not that I expect anyone to steal it.
I just don't want it more crumpled up. -v-;;

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 05

So anyway, I immediately look away, go to the
bathroom, and I have to pass behind him
to go to the corner where I usually eat...
and upon seeing my supervisor and her bf,
who is also working at the bakery, sitting
where I planned on sitting, I freeze,
duck behind a little partition, and sit
where I didn't plan on sitting, but there
wasn't anywhere else safe. @_@;;
I want peace and quiet for lunch, dammit.
...
So that passed by fairly peacefully...
but (k) came to lunch after my supervisor
went back, so when my lunch was over,
I had to keep watch over the cafe until
(k) came back...
...??? I can't remember if that was when,
but while I'm there, I happen to see him,
probably on break, going to sit in the cafeteria.
At least he wasn't seated facing my way. -_-;

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 04

And because I know he's there, where he can see me,
of course, I fumble up a little when I'm
setting the time, for which little respite
I was grateful........ then I look up....
and I'm wondering why my gaze instantly snap
to him. How do I do this? ._.;;
I mean, when I was over at the cafe to discuss
about 15min break with (k), I catch sight of him
far away out of the corner of my left eye-
which is almost impossible because my left eye's
really bad and I'm usually seeing with my right eye-
before (k), and she starts coughing, so I tell her
I know, I know. And she was amazed. Yes, it's
amazing. ._.;;;
So anyway, I looked up... and met his gaze.
god, why....? Why am I obsessed with a married guy,
and why does he have to look at me!?
Granted, I'm ogling, but can't he just ignore me?
I don't even want to say 'hi', for goodness' sake!

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 03

*sigh*
I didn't see anything, since I'm batblind,
so when she said "did you see?" I told her
I'm nearsighted in jpns which she didn't
know the word, so I told her in eng, after which
she told me, "He's moved over a seat
so he can see you better." =v=;;
Then she urges me to go to lunch, so I tell
her I'm going to lunch, if she'll come back
inside the counter, for goodness' sake!
The way the place is setup is weird:
we have toget inside the cafe area by going
around to the bakery and through the back
where the kitchens're joined. So... I wait
for her to come inside, then go to lunch...
Overly conscious of the fact that I'm going
to pass by the place he's sitting when I
head to the bathroom after punching my timecard.
After punching, I set my alarm watch because
I can't remember what time I did the timecard,
and I was glad for the excuse to look down, dammit.
It's hard to ignore something you know is there.

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 02

So anyway, I think it was before lunchbreak.
(c) went first, then after she came back,
I went to ask (k) if she wanted to go next.
We sort of argued that the other should go,
but I was sleepy, so I gave in and said
I'll go after she went to the bathroom.
While we were talking about this, we see this
weird scene in the cafeteria... This guy
was grabbing a girl who ran off;
so it wasn't a surprise when (k), instead of
going to the employee's bathroom as she usually
does, went to the customer's bathroom, which
would let her pass by the scene of the event.
I was smiling to see her being so busybody...
but when she came back, it wasn't about that
she talked about but him. Argh...
"Look. He's sitting in the cafeteria.
You can go lunch with him." -v-;;
Then we're talking a bit, then she suddenly
tells me to look and I'm like, I'm not looking!
But she was so persistent about it, so I finally
quickly turn my head, then turn back.

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri. alpha log 01

"I wish I hadn't known" was what I kept on
repeating over and over as I walked home.
Damn. He does sit at the cafeteria area. -v-;;
I guess I never really knew because
I'm near sighted but... *sigh*
This morning started with me doing something
facing the back of the bakery, unaware of anything,
then hearing loud coughing/gagging behind me,
I turn around; and the way I turned around,
he first comes into my line of sight, then
coworker (k) coughing theatrically.
Thank you, my friend, but I didn't need that.
...
Then... I don't remember the order of events,
but... Today, we basically had three people
working in the bakery and the cafe, so we had
to go to breaks in rotation. (k) was in the cafe,
and (c) and I was in the bakery, but of the two
of us, only I could take rotation in the cafe,
so I was going back and forth.

date: Feb.07, '03 Fri.

uwaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaan T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T_T
Aerin's bday and I couldn't do anything!!!! TxT
I meant to do a sketch at least, but
barely got started.... So... >x<
And then I walked to and from work, so
I was dead tired, fell asleep after dinner,
wouldn't wake up when my mom tried to
wake me up, and woke up around 2:30am. ToT
And I feel sick right now. ._.;;
...can't remember what I was planning
to write before I fell asleep. -v-;;

date: Feb.06, '03 Thu. alpha log 04

The new guy was saying, oh, so that's
tomorrow and the day after, and I
automatically try to correct him, but
...I don't think I really knew what I was
saying. -v-;; He was walking by,
(k) was coming back from the bathroom,
and I was starting to blush again. XD
And...my voice sounded unnaturally loud
in my own ears... -v-;;;
Then the new guy left, (k) was saying,
what's with that guy? And then after a pause,
asks, "Did you see him?"
This was while I'm serving a customer,
but since it was an American customer, I reply
in Japanese, "yes, of course, I did!
Don't you see me blushing?" XD
Oh well. Infatuation's fun, but I think
it's starting to wear off. I'm getting tired
of liking a guy who isn't available. XP
But I'm not saying I like the new guy
because I don't. Right now, I'm getting to the
I-hate-guys phase. XDDD

date: Feb.06, '03 Thu. alpha log 03

So today, he was doing that because I gave him
damaged pastries to take home (I mean
guys're always hungry, it seems like).
And yesterday, I didn't care, but now
it's kinda...weird... ~_~;; Plus (k) saw him
doing it yesterday, and she was like,
"what's wrong with him? You shouldn't
let him touch you!" And then today, she said,
"Ah, he likes you. That's why." ...
But I think he has a gf, or that's what
his friend (another coworker) said unless
I misunderstood.
But anyway, when the new guy was leaving,
he was saying it seemed like I'm working
everyday, so I was about to tell him no,
it's just that right now with the schedule,
I'm working on the weekdays and not working on
the weekend... then I see him.

date: Feb.06, '03 Thu. alpha log 02

I was facing the mirror/wall, and she
basically facing the direction he'd be
coming from (which is opposite the mirror).
I'm on the lookout, so of course,
I immediately see him in the mirror,
which was far away enough, since I couldn't
for the life of me, really see him with my eyesight.
But I look down immediately and
concentrate on what I'm doing (whatever that was).
Then my coworker notices him and
she starts coughing as if she's choking. -v-;
I laugh, because what else am I supposed to do?
She's such a child in some ways. XP
...
Then another thing...involves this new guy
who started working in the back about a week ago.
I've been nice to him because he's a new guy,
and he seems okay. But...since yesterday,
when I do something for him, he...grabs
my right arm... @_@;; I mean I don't mind
being touched, but what's that supposed to mean?

date: Feb.06, '03 Thu. alpha log 01

Okay... not much time to write.
Didn't have the greatest day...
Saw him frequently enough in the morning
when it was busy and I was in a bad mood,
so I was a bit annoyed to see him
because I would get distracted, and it's
definitely an unnecessary distraction.
Not that it's anybody's fault but mine. XP
...
Not much to write. Except maybe two things.
I didn't see him a lot, but after I came back
from bathroom (which...took a bit of a time XD)
coworker (k) mentioned how he passed by
several times and she was thinking I need to
hurry back. She also said since he passed by
so many times, she was wondering if
he was looking for me.
me: ...???
And then the last time I saw him was close to
end of the day.

date: Feb.06, '03 Thu.

I knew it... -_-;;
It completely sucked having that coworker back.
She doesn't work, darnit.
She talks talks talks talks and talks.
And whatever you do, she wants to do,
even though if you gave over the job to her,
then she doesn't do it.
How stupid is that?
...
I just received Emile pic...
and my mind is just dazzled.
ufu....gufufufufufufufufu.

date: Feb.05, '03 Wed. alpha

My emotional stability chart since yesterday...
/\---
Went up seeing him, went down not seeing him,
then a space of calm today for some reason.
I look forward to seeing him tomorrow...
and not looking forward tomorrow to see
this coworker who's coming back from vacation...
...
Coworker (k) is dead tiring at times,
going on and on about her guy problems (?)
but she's got tidbits of him, so I forgive her. XD
Upon hearing that I went straight up to him
to ask about his marital status, she was like
"where do you get the guts to do that?"
...It doesn't take guts...
For me, it's more of an effort to keep things inside
rather than blurting them out.
Besides, I don't ever want to regret again not having
said or done something. I'd rather regret having
done something than not having done it.

date: Feb.05, '03 Wed.

Not much going on today.
At least I was in a better mood than yesterday.
I walked to work, and got to talk with
a coworker (m) I haven't seen for a bit
and whom I like. So that was nice.
Also, it was busier today, what with having to
run between the cafe and the bakery because
there wasn't anyone available for the cafe in the morning.

date: Feb.04, '03 Tue. alpha log 04

And...
Later on, when I was just reflecting...
I felt as if there was this hook in my heart
and I can't get it out...
argh... It was supposed to be just an infatuation.
I never meant to get my heart involved...! TxT
...
I sometimes wonder if my friend's death hasn't
left a void within me, and that this infatuation's
filling that space and that's why it's so painful...

date: Feb.04, '03 Tue. alpha log 03

Although...I guess if it were any of my coworkers
or a friend, I'd take the time to smile hello. ._.;
But...if I like someone, I want all or nothing.
I don't want to be just friends with him
as much as sometimes I want to be just that.
I'm so stupid! I have no one else but myself
to blame for this awkward situation.
...
And that was the last I saw him today....
I think he went home.... or what if he was
avoiding me.....!? uwaaaaaaaaaaan!!! T_T_T_T_T
Even though I think it's a good thing to
drive him away, I hate the idea that whether
intentionally or not, it looks like I ignored him!
I'd be hurt if someone did that to me. TxT
;-;
Sometimes, I wish he were a girl. Then I wouldn't
have had any problems befriending him.
I am interested in him as a person too, not just
as an object of love.

date: Feb.04, '03 Tue. alpha log 03

The next customer smiled back, so that was nice.
But seriously, I couldn't really careless.
I mean... I wasn't blushing exactly,
but my whole body was flushed. @_@;;;
It's cold in the bakery, so I'm usually chilled,
but I guess my blood was pumping, because
all of a sudden, I was so warm!
I...feel as if I can definitely some day write
a love story based on these entries... XD
But anyway...so I saw him, was crazy happy
(or so it seems like now. -v-;;;)...
But....butbut... The last I saw of him today...
was when I was serving a customer and
just turned my head to check on the line
of customers I still had to go through,
and met his eyes. andandandand... He nodded
but I was already turning my head away!!! /TOT\
I felt so bad!!!! >x< But...it's already ingrained
in me to ignore him. >O< Plus, I was just checking
on the line and was waiting for my current
customer to give me the money,
so I couldn't look away for a long time, could I? ;_;

date: Feb.04, '03 Tue. alpha log 02

*huff*
Okay...so now that my ethics are out of the way..
I'm panicking. @_@;
Today's Tue., so it's his day off,
and I was depressed all morning...
on top of having a darn headache.
Then sometime after noon, I think...?
I was alone in the bakery (and dealing with
a lot of customers... -_-;;) when
I see him.
...
I...don't know how to describe what I felt.
I was surprised happy and even though
I was in middle of serving a customer,
I couldn't help myself from grinning like a fool.
I mean, one moment I have this customer service
smile, and in the next moment, I'm grinning
with all my heart. >x<
I was so happy to think that he was working today,
so I just couldn't keep the smile from my face!

date: Feb.04, '03 Tue. alpha log 01

And I was irritated after that because
she said I bragged how I could tell a guy
I like/love him, but that I'm not doing it.
Sh*t. Of course, I can't and won't tell
a married guy I like him! What'm I supposed to say?
'I like you, so can you divorce your wife?'
Yeah, right. She can't seem to understand
that there's a difference between disturbing
your own marriage versus someone else's.
What you do with your own marriage is your
own choice, but you have absolutely no right
to interfere in another person's marriage.
Or am I supposed to say, 'Why don't we spend
time together and keep it a secret from your wife'?
My G@d, how selfish is that?
And how stupid! I'd be stupid for suggesting it,
and any married guy accepting an offer like that
is worth sh*t!
Or any married woman, for that matter!

date: Feb.04, '03 Tue.

Ha. I had to archive again. XD
But anyway. Another boring day.
I had a headache all day from lack of sleep. XP
was in a bad mood most of the time,
and I think it got conveyed to (k) too.
One time we were talking, and something she said
annoyed the heck out of me. She was referring
to something I said sometime ago, and she said
I was bragging so and so...
Excuse me, but I don't brag. I may state
what I can do, but I don't ever mean to state
my abilities just to show off what I can do
or to imply I'm better than other people
just because I happen to be able to do something
some people may not be able to.
Then she was saying that from her point of view
we (me and other coworkers) are just like kids.
And I told her of course, we are. I'd be wondering
if we didn't seem like kids to her.
I mean she's over 40 and I'm 23, for crying outloud.
Some people her age do have kids my age,
so of course, I'm like a kid to her! Jeez.